Month: August 2021

The savvy girls guide to giving good energy

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A person offering a gift

Don’t adapt to the energy in the room.  Influence the energy in the room – Katie Rollins.

I love this quote from Katie Rollins so much, I could have just left it there.  Because it pretty much says it all.

Life throws us enough curveballs without having to deal with bad energy.  From ourselves or other people.

And the energy that we give out, and with which we approach our interactions, will always influence the outcome in some way.

But, as the quote above says, there is a way in which we can not just accept, but influence, situations by the way in which we present ourselves.

Rule number 1:  Own Your Own Shit

We all have a responsibility to be aware of how we show up.

If we’re approaching life with an expectation to be hurt, disappointed or let down, then we may as well just welcome it in.  Because it’s likely that this is what we’ll get.

If we’re not giving our best effort – to ourselves as much as others – then we’re doing ourselves a disservice by restricting our opportunities to be happy, to have fulfilling lives and meaningful relationships.

And if our energy is low because we’re not taking care of ourselves, physically and mentally, then it’s going to be hard to exert positive influence and energy when we’re out in the world.

Anticipating the fight

There are some situations that you just know are going to be tricky before you even step into the  room.  Difficult conversations, setting boundaries, calling out other people’s bullshit.  We know we might already be on the back foot if we’re dealing with this sort of scenario.

So how do you approach someone if you’re already expecting a negative response?

Well, you could take the ‘rise above it’ or ‘be the bigger person’ line.  But I always sense a slight sense of arrogance or entitlement when I hear people saying things like this.

Because :newsflash: It isn’t all about you.

Influencing isn’t steamrolling.

Neither does it mean having an opinion better than someone else’s.  And it certainly doesn’t involve discounting the other person’s experience.

There is a fine balance between exerting your influence, and thinking your better than the other people in the room.  Because you don’t know what’s behind someone else’s behaviour.

If someone often presents as challenging or negative, it doesn’t mean that they are automatically a bad person.  They could have insecurities or hang-ups that they are trying to mask, or maybe they’ve learnt to use aggression or pass-agg, as a defence mechanism.  You’ll see this a lot in work situations, especially where people are in positions of authority but don’t necessarily feel they belong there.

Here’s some tips that can help if you need to inject a bit of calm or perspective into your interactions with others:

Be aware of the energy you’re bringing to a situation.   If you’re walking into a situation and it already has your back up before you begin, you might not even be aware of it.  Expecting a battle (even subconsciously) can put you on the defensive before you even start.  Take a breath, practice what you want to say to get your point across, and try and include factual rather than emotional language.

Be conscious that you might not know the full story.  Try not to make assumptions about people, especially if they’re being difficult or negative.  If they are disrespecting you, of course you can stand up for yourself.  But if it’s not personal, don’t take it personally.

Know your limits.  Be aware of how much energy you have to give something.  If you’re passionate and want to jump headfirst into a project, then great.  But if you’re not feeling it, or you have other demands on your time, be honest.  There’s nothing worse than half-hearted effort.  You won’t enjoy yourself, and other people will pick up on it too.

Be willing to walk away.  There will always be another job, friend, relationship etc.  If you find that a situation or relationship has run its course, then be brave enough to leave.  Staying anywhere where you don’t belong is the quickest confidence-crusher ever.  And it will do more harm than good in the longer term.  You might have all sorts of doubts and fears, but you owe it to yourself to be happy.

Photo credit:  Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash.com

Energy zappers – and how to deal with them

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Image of an overwhelmed person

Energy zappers.  We’ve all experienced them, but how can we deal with them?

Energy is expressed and felt through our emotions and our choices, and it is affected by how we fuel ourselves – physically and mentally.  And so, the way in which we fuel ourselves will affect the energy that we feel.

Fuel goes in, energy comes out.

If we don’t have enough fuel, or when don’t have the right kind of fuel – e.g., its toxic, unfulfilling, harmful even, then obviously our energy is going to be negatively affected by that.

There are a number of things which can influence our energy, and generally these can be broken down into internal and external factors.

We are probably all well aware of the effect that too much low-nutrient foods or alcohol or late nights have on us. We feel sluggish and dull afterwards.

But there are also some less obvious influences that we might not be giving a lot of thought to.

Outside influences

One of the most important influences on our energy is the environment we spend our time in. 

This includes how we live, who we live with, where we spend most of our time and who we spend the most time with.  And if this is an environment that isn’t supporting our wellbeing and growth, then our energy will suffer.

And we might not feel as though we have a great deal of choice – especially if we’re in a job or a family situation which is causing an imbalance.  We may well know that we’re in an unhappy or unfulfilling situation that we know isn’t helping us, but it’s not always as easy to get out of them.

But we can try and be more conscious of the effect the situation is having, and try and minimise how much we are affected by it.  You might want to ask yourself:  Are there situations in my life now where I feel ‘less than’, not good enough, or on edge?  Do you notice that you’re changing how you present yourself so that you fit in?  Do you feel that you can’t be yourself around certain people?

Noticing how our energy shifts, for better or worse, when we’re in situations and around particular people can be really telling.

Of course, every relationship that we have with another person will involve give and take.  There will be times when another person needs our support and their needs will take priority, and vice versa.   The whole point of inviting people into your life is to share experiences and support each other.

But when a relationship or friendship feels as though it’s only ever one-way traffic, or the conversation is often negative, then we need to ask ourselves whether this is the right fit for us.  If the other person is blinkered to what is going on with you, how you are feeling, what you’re excited/worried/nervous about, and the focus is only ever about them, then that’s a good indicator of where the energy isn’t balanced.

I’m sure we can all recognise times when we’ve felt like that, whether we’re experiencing it now or not, but when this type of situation goes on for some time, it is so draining.

And it will have a big impact on our confidence, our motivation and it will become really challenging to change, the longer it goes on.

But there are also things that we can do ourselves to make sure that we fuel our body and mind with enough of the good stuff, to counteract what comes at us from outside.

Healthy inside

We all know what energy feels like within our own bodies.  We know when we feel happy, excited, raring to go.  And we also know when we feel depleted, tired and lethargic.

Our bodies are finely tuned machines – and they have an in-built alarm system to tell us when something is out of whack.   Listen to your body and what it is telling you…if it needs rest, better nutrition, hydration, it will let you know.   And it will keep letting you know until you listen to it, usually!

It is really difficult to give our best efforts with something, or even just go about our daily tasks if we have consistently low energy.

But it’s not just about our physical wellbeing. We also need to be aware of our mental fuel.

One of the biggest energy drains on our mental health these days is social media.  Love it or hate it, the messages and energy we consume by watching other people living their lives is immense.

And it can affect even the most grounded of people.

We all have insecurities and self-doubt, but these can become magnified when we flood our brain with images of other people. We imagine other lives we could be living, or worry about things we ‘should’ be doing.  The comparison trap is one of the most harmful things to fall into – we compare how we look or what our life looks like, with images that are carefully curated and filtered and well, fake. We trick ourselves into believing they are real, and it’s so easy to start comparing ourselves against impossible perceived benchmarks.

If social media and FOMO is something that triggers you, then try and limit the amount of time you expose yourself to.  Have allocated time for a digital detox – set an alarm or limit on your app. Or switch your phone off completely, and put it in a drawer for a while.  (If this idea brings you out in a cold sweat, then it’s a good indication you might just benefit from it!).

And there are a range of other negative emotions that, if left unchecked, will drain our energy. There are the obvious ones such as anger, resentment, or regret, that may have stemmed from a specific experience, but there are also the more subconscious ones like fear, uncertainty, or jealousy.

Listen to what your emotions are telling you.  Where are they holding you back?  What are you missing out on or avoiding?  We may feel triggered in certain situations, or by people, without knowing why.

In summary, our energy isn’t just something that we need to function and progress, we can also influence how much of it we have.  By identifying such energy zappers and being aware of what we are consuming, physically and mentally, and when we are feeling triggered, we can start to bring more balance.

And in next week’s post, I’ll be switching the focus to looking at how we can bring better energy to our interactions, so stay tuned for more.

Photo credit: Luis Villasmil on Unsplash.com

What gives you energy?

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There is no fast track to anything.  We need energy to stay consistent, focused and in the game.  But what gives us energy?

Without it, or when we have consistently low energy, we’re not giving our best. And no one feels good in that scenario.

It would be great if we could wake up one morning and all of a sudden, our goals and dreams had come true.  But we’re all wise enough to know that its not going to happen, and we have to put the work in if we want results in anything.

And even if everything could change overnight, would you want it to?

Isn’t half the fun (or sense of achievement) found in the ‘getting there’.  Overcoming the smaller obstacles.  Growing in confidence.  Continuing to show up when we’re struggling to see the point.

Knowing what it is that gives us energy is what keeps us going.

Positive Psychology.com share a brilliant exercise, where they ask people to think about playing a game of basketball.  To imagine yourself playing each shot, envisaging yourself and your team-mates working through the game and eventually hitting the winning score.  You can see the scoreboard, and your winning shot puts your team in the lead right at the last minute.

Then they ask you to consider how you would feel playing the game, if you knew what the outcome was going to be.  If you knew the score would be in your favour at the end, would you still play the game with the same amount of energy?

It’s a great example highlighting the difference between goals and values.  The goal might be to win the game, but your values indicate how you play the game; being a team player, giving your best, and the way in which you approach it.

Goals can be achieved, but it doesn’t happen without consistent effort.  And the amount of energy that we bring in achieving our goals is what really counts.

Knowing when to work hard, knowing when to rest, knowing how to pick ourselves up after disappointment, knowing not to get too complacent when things are going well.

This is what gives us the energy to keep going.

But it also highlights how important it is to choose goals that are in alignment with our values.  We need to have something to gain, to make the work worth it.

So, if you are struggling to find or maintain the energy you need to persevere with something, ask yourself why you’re doing it.  Why is it important to you?  And how important is the way in which you’re going to achieve it?  What other things are you going to gain, in addition to the positive outcome?

Photo credit: Carl Nenzen Loven on Unsplash.com