No one is born an expert

Characature of Albert Einstein

No one is born an expert.  Not even this guy!

One of the biggest buzz-kills to motivation is the false belief that we have to be brilliant at something.   It’s as if we can’t fail, otherwise “what’s the point?”.

If you recognise that you have high expectations of yourself whenever you attempt something new, you might have had these thoughts before too.

Putting so much pressure on ourselves from the outset can be a barrier for attempting to learn new skills or put ourselves out there.  We fear looking like a novice or beginner, or worry that other people might notice our weaknesses.

We all want to feel successful at new things, especially if we put time and effort into something.

But if we’re willing to accept being a learner for a while, it can really help when we feel rewarded for our hard work by noticing our improvements and progress.  These incremental gains can help to build motivation and give us the incentive to keep going.

Go on, dare to try something new…and be willing to learn along the way!

 

Photo credit:  Andrew George via Unsplash.com

Motivation isn’t like a light switch

An image of a light switch that can be flicked on and off

How do you view motivation?  Is it all or nothing?  Either all ‘go’ or all ‘no’.  It can be helpful to remember, motivation isn’t like a light switch.

We can easily talk ourselves out of things when we feel less motivated,  and the more we do it, the more difficult it can be to overcome it.

If you can think back to a time where you’ve struggled to get motivated with something, can you remember how you felt about yourself?  I’m guessing it was pretty negatively.

We can start to blame ourselves for things going wrong and the more we avoid situations or taking action, then we are at risk of starting to see ourselves as a failure.   This type of thinking gets us believing that motivation is something we either have or don’t have. And if we don’t have it in that moment, we blame ourselves.

In reality, there are a lot of different factors that impact on our motivation, and it’s normal to feel more or less motivated at different times.  Even when it’s something important or enjoyable.

So if you notice that your motivation is a little unpredictable, go easy on yourself.

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How conscious are you about your behaviour?

An image of a water wheel

How conscious are you about your behaviour?  

If you’re someone who is actively going after a goal, then you are probably already aware of the impact of your behaviour.   You should have an idea of the input required to get you to where you want to be, and are taking steps to modify your behaviour to get you there.

But often we go about our daily lives, just ‘getting things done’.  We might not give a great deal of thought to it.

In CBT, the role of our behaviour is key to understanding not only why we have certain issues, but also how we might be maintaining them.

In other words, how we behave might be contributing to the fact that the problem doesn’t seem to be getting better.

You might notice for example that if you are feeling low in mood, then you might start cancelling plans or you might not have the motivation to do things you used to enjoy.  Things feel more of a chore than usual.

Or alternatively, you might recognise these change in behaviours as an indicator that you’ve been taking on too much and need to rebalance.

This month, I’m looking at some of the common behaviours that can have a big impact on how we feel…whether we’re conscious of them or not.

Identifying behaviours that might be impacting or holding us back, is a key first step in making change.  But with a few small tweaks, they can make all the difference.

 

Photo by Drew Bae via Unsplash.com

 

 

 

 

Where Is Fear Leading You?

Do you feel that you are being led, rather than leading?

If so, this could be an indication that fear is running the show.

Sometimes we’re aware of it, but often we’re not.  There are so many fears that can impact on how we feel, without us knowing.

Fear of failure, fear of getting it wrong, fear of looking silly or incompetent. These are all quite common.

But so is a fear of being stuck, a fear of not reaching our potential or getting left behind.

Fear in that sense can be helpful. Because it highlights what will happen if we don’t act.  In other words, we’ll stay exactly where we are.  And that can be the scariest thought of all.

Fear is there to teach us something

So don’t be scared of fear.  Fear can be good.  Use it to motivate and move yourself.  Use it to make positive changes towards the life you want. Not the life you feel stuck in.

As Susan Jeffers famously wrote, “Feel the fear and do it anyway!”

 

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Don’t allow self doubt to hold you back

One of the most common, but unhelpful, thinking patterns is self doubt.

When things go wrong, or don’t go to plan, it is so easy for us to look within ourselves as the first point of blame.

Once we get stuck in that cycle, it can be harmful and upsetting.  And we can become fearful of putting ourselves out there again.

If you recognise that self blame is something that you notice in your own thought patterns, try asking some reflective questions:

Is what’s happened within my control?

What did I do, or not do, that affected this outcome?

What could I do differently next time?

Do I need some help or practice in order for me to do that?

Learn to coach yourself

Any good coach would take you through this process of reflective learning, in order to help you grow and develop.

By being able to practice this kind of reflection on yourself, you can take back control over how you react, and how you will act in future.

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Great expectations

It’s great to have an active and positive imagination. But at times, we can also be our own worst enemy.

We build up ideas and expectations of how things should be. Either from putting unrealistic pressure on ourselves, or by judging our abilities in comparison to someone else.

If we’re planning to make changes or work towards a goal, we need to make sure that what we’re reaching for is achievable for us, given the time, resources and ability that we have available.

Setting ourselves up to fail

One of the biggest ways we sabotage ourselves is by having unrealistic or unachievable targets. And so it’s no wonder we feel disheartened. And then we can start looking for faults within ourselves to blame when things aren’t going to plan.

That’s why it is much easier to set small incremental goals – so that we can adjust and adapt accordingly. If we set out to do too much too soon, or set ourselves deadlines or end goals that are not going to happen, then we risk giving up altogether.

Also, being honest with ourselves and our current ability can help. If we’re trying to learn something new, or overcome a habit that has become stuck, then it will take work. And we will get things wrong.

So before you start something, get really clear on your expectations. Yes, set yourself challenges or look to stretch yourself, but be fair. There are enough people in the world who want to see us fail…don’t let yourself be one of them.

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What are you thinking?

How often do you think about your thoughts?

It probably isn’t something we think about very often, is it? If anything, we’re probably too busy trying to work out what someone else is thinking, rather than ourselves.

So, I have a really simple exercise for you this week.

Set yourself a timer for the same time every day this week, where you know you can take a few minutes out of your day to ask yourself this question. “What are you thinking?”

You don’t have to spend a long time on it, but just get a general feel of what takes up space in your head as you go about your day. If you can, write down a few notes or record a voice note for yourself.

The things that come up might feel surprising or informative. You might be particularly stressed about something you’re doing at that moment, or you could be pleased and excited, thinking about something good. You might be running over a list of things to do, or worrying about something. Your mind might be peace and at rest.

By keeping a daily track like this, it might give you some interesting insight into the things that go through your mind. And if there is a similar theme cropping up, that can be really helpful too.

We often have a narrative running through our heads, and this can often be negative. “Why did I do that?”. “I bet they think I’m useless”. “I always get things wrong”. Recognise any of these? We’ve all been guilty of this self criticism at times.

But when this narrative is playing on repeat, it can have a really harmful effect on how we feel and how we behave. We might stop putting ourselves forward for things, or we become more withdrawn, out of fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, for example.

The sooner we’re able to identify some of the more negative or unhelpful thought patterns, the easier it is to challenge and change them.

Photo credit:   Caleb George on Unsplash

The downside of reaching up

An image of someone writing at a desk

January has been a busy month, as I’m preparing to start a new Post Grad course soon.  I love learning and am excited to be moving on to a new chapter,  but getting ready for it has taken priority in the last few weeks.  Which also means that my usual routines have gone astray recently,  and this got me thinking.  How do we deal with the downside of reaching up?

In an ideal world, we’d be able to do all the things in ample time. But in reality, juggling work and family commitments leaves us with little spare time as it is.  So when we add in another big project, whether it’s studying or working on another personal goal, somethings gotta give.

And for me recently, it’s been the time I would usually spend on myself, whether it’s exercise or meal planning or self care.  The things that can be put off in other words.  But until we stop doing them,  we don’t realise how important they are.

And another thing we don’t factor in is the sense of frustration and confusion we feel at not being able to get everything done. (Or done as well as I would have liked, should I say).

When did we start putting so much pressure on ourselves?

We all know that we can’t do everything all the time, and we know that we “have to be a bit kinder to ourselves”.  This is exactly what we’d say if we were talking to a friend. But doesn’t that make you want to throw up when you’re saying it to yourself?!

Its often much more difficult to take our own advice, for sure.

But this is where the change happens.  When we push through or make changes.  When we notice the pressure and actually do something about it, rather than let it go on until something gives.  Usually it’s us, falling into a heap or quitting.

So if you’re struggling to find that balance, stick with it. And know that this is part of the process.  It isn’t the just the end point that matters, it also matters how we got there. And stayed (hopefully) sane and resilient.

We can do hard things friends, and we can do them whilst being kind to ourselves too!

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Busting the Blue Monday myth

Cute dog with a sad face

Apparently tomorrow is ‘Blue Monday’.  A phrase coined to describe the midpoint in January where we should all be feeling a bit meh.  Like we’re given permission to feel like crap.  Gee thanks.

However, the factors involved in this descriptor are based around some pretty innocuous things such as;

“It’s Monday, and everyone hates Mondays”.  Not entirely true. If you woke up next to the love of your life who brought you tea and almond croissant in bed,  then your Monday could be starting pretty well.

”It’s cold and dark and ruddy freezing”.   Yeah, it’s Winter. Not everyone hates it. And we get through several more miserable weather Mondays in December, or February.

”It’s ages until payday”.  We reach a midpoint of every month, so we should be used to the length of time between paychecks by now. Of course, we all have times where our finances have been stretched a bit too far,  but generally we know how much we have coming in and how much needs to go out, and we can plan from there.

In other words, there are a stream of reasons given as to why people should dread this time of year.  But when we look at those reasons and start to question how true they are, we may actually find that those same excuses could be used at other times, rather than pinpointing why one particular day is so special.

Isn’t this also true when we’re trying to look for reasons not to do something, or thinking of ways that something won’t work.  In other words, if you look for a reason to be blue, then you’re likely to find one.  But that doesn’t make it true.

And sometimes it’s easier to give off an excuse, rather than look at our own shortcomings.  Because that might involve some work.  Or we might find that actually we could be productive or successful at something, but right now we’re just too lazy or unmotivated to try.  Ouch, right?

So next time you notice that your thoughts or language are veering towards doom and gloom, ask yourself ‘how true is this really?’.  And if those thoughts are stemming from the noise that surrounds you, consider whether you want to listen to it.

Be brave enough to ask yourself the uncomfortable questions.  And certainly don’t allow other people to dull your mood, life’s challenging enough!

However your Monday turns out…just don’t call it blue.

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What Will Light Your Spark This Year?

A close up image of a lit sparkler

What will light your spark this year?

You may still be working your way through the remnants of the Christmas chocs, and haven’t got a clue what you want this year to hold.  Often we don’t.

We might have vague plans or ideas of what we want to do (or need to do!).  And that’s absolutely fine. Give yourself a break if you have got everything mapped out.

One idea I really like is the yearly list that writer Gretchen Rubin advocates.  The plan is that you write a list of 22 things for 2022.  This can be as big or as little as you want, and it can be a mixture of really important ‘must dos’ and fun things too.

The little niggly tasks that you need to get round to, or appointments that you’ve been putting off.  Specific events that you want to attend. Books you want to read. Places you want to visit. Experiences you want to have.

It like a mini bucket list, with some accountability thrown in.   It can be a good place to start if we want to get more organised.  You might want to add a month or year next to each item.  Or get specific things booked in your diary now.

And if you’re struggling with getting motivated, try a couple of the fun ones first and feel the flutter of achievement as you tick them off as done.  Or book something fun in after you’ve completed one of the more challenging ones (love a bit of habit stacking!).

Whatever you choose, I hope that this year sparks more creativity and fun in your days.

Photo by Wout Vanacker on Unsplash