What keeps you awake at night?

Description of hands creeping out of the ocean

It’s that time of year when we’re surrounded by all things spooky and scary.

But what is it that REALLY keeps you awake at night?

I think for me, the biggest thing I struggle with is self doubt.  And it’s definitely something that creeps up on me.

Things That Go Bump In The Night

It often starts off with an uneasy feeling.  I begin to feeling unsure when I’m making decisions.  Then I’m overthinking decisions and actions.  Worrying about all the possible things that could go wrong. And dithering or putting off doing things, because “what if it does all go wrong?”.

The Ghost of Decisions Past

If you recognise that this happens for you too, then you might also be visited by the ‘Ghost of Decisions Past’.   You know the one…it often starts lurking around 3am when you can’t sleep, and the suddenly you’re replaying conversations and situations over again in your mind, and you hear the whispers of mistakes and regrets gone by.

Unwelcome Visitations

We’d like to think that we can shake off these ‘visitations’, but their effects can remain with us subconsciously.  It’s almost as though a little poisonous seed has been planted, which starts to latch on to our conscious thoughts.  And then every time we try to make changes or take action, the little seed sends out the venom to kill off our positive ideas.

Facing The Demons

There are things that can help to tackle self doubt, however.

For me, this first step is being able to notice when it’s there.   Because it is something that often creeps up on us, so we might not even notice it at first.  Getting curious and asking what is behind those uncomfortable feelings can sometimes help to pinpoint what is triggering it.

Secondly, it also helps to consciously recall and focus on the times where I have overcome my doubts in the past.  Or at least, persevered in spite of it.  Because feeling uncertain and anxious about the outcome in certain situations is normal.  So if I can recall at time where I was dreading something, but actually it turned out better than I’d anticipated, then this can remind me that my thoughts are not always true.

And thirdly, I write myself a realistic plan.  Because I know that feeling unprepared will pretty much always lead to me feeling less confident.  If I have the time, then I like to think of some possible outcomes or scenarios and then ask myself what I could about it.  The key thing here though is to keep it realistic – that means not getting carried away with every possible outcome, but which ones are most likely, and which outcomes can I control.   

So if self doubt is an unwelcome visitor for you, try some of these ideas out for yourself.  The only way to conquer those fears is to face them.

Photo credit:  Daniel Jensen via Unsplash.com

The downside to self development

An image of someone standing with two arrows ahead, pointing in different directions

We often think that making change is a positive move.   Most of the time it is, of course.  But have you ever experienced the downside to self development?

Wait, what do you mean?!  How come there’s a downside?

Well, if we’ve been feeling stuck or lost for some time, starting to make new changes or routines can suddenly highlight the things we’ve been missing out on.  We might notice that we get frustrated or annoyed at ourselves because we’ve spent a while drifting.  We might even start to compare ourselves to others, and think we’re falling behind, or not good enough.

Sure, these feelings can be used as motivators, to give us the momentum to move ourselves.

But accepting that they are a common side effect of taking action can help to normalise some of the more negative feelings we might experience too.

If you notice that you’re feeling this way when you start to make any changes or progress, then allow yourself some time to reflect on what’s coming up.  But also allow yourself to appreciate that you are changing, and are gradually moving away from that place of ‘stuckness’ or inertia.

Listening to your emotions, and accepting how you are feeling, is all part of the growth process.  So, embrace the learning and keep going!

Photo credit: Jon Tyson via Unsplash.com

How often do you try and predict the future?

An image of a crystal ball

Planning and preparation can help us to anticipate problems, and give us the chance to make adjustments if we see something on the horizon which could be a problem.

But we can also become too distracted or focused on the ‘what ifs’…and end up creating new problems for ourselves.

Trying to find that balance can be hard.  We want to do our best and avoid any pitfalls, but in doing so, we lose sight of the here and now.  Maybe we appear distracted or not interested in what is going on around us.  Or we freeze and can’t take action, because we’ve built up all of these scenarios of failure in our minds.

Try and notice how much time you spend on the ‘what if’ scenarios…and whether you’re thinking too much about what ‘might’ happen, rather than what ‘is’ happening.

Being able to recognise these thought patterns is the first and most important step.

 

Photo credit:  Arthur Ogleznev via Unsplash.com

No one is born an expert

Characature of Albert Einstein

No one is born an expert.  Not even this guy!

One of the biggest buzz-kills to motivation is the false belief that we have to be brilliant at something.   It’s as if we can’t fail, otherwise “what’s the point?”.

If you recognise that you have high expectations of yourself whenever you attempt something new, you might have had these thoughts before too.

Putting so much pressure on ourselves from the outset can be a barrier for attempting to learn new skills or put ourselves out there.  We fear looking like a novice or beginner, or worry that other people might notice our weaknesses.

We all want to feel successful at new things, especially if we put time and effort into something.

But if we’re willing to accept being a learner for a while, it can really help when we feel rewarded for our hard work by noticing our improvements and progress.  These incremental gains can help to build motivation and give us the incentive to keep going.

Go on, dare to try something new…and be willing to learn along the way!

 

Photo credit:  Andrew George via Unsplash.com

Why Do We Resist Change?

An image of a girl with her head in her hands

None of us want to stay the same forever.  But it can be hard to make changes, even when we know we need to.  So why do we resist change?

Some of the most common blocks and barriers are quite obvious when we think about change.  Namely fear.  And more fear!

Fear of the unknown.  Fear of failure.  Fear of getting it wrong.  Fear of looking stupid, or worrying about what other people will think.  These are the most common ones that we all experience at some point.

If you’ve ever experienced change, then it’s likely that you’ve come across many feelings like this.  And it’s completely normal.  When we choose to step outside of our comfort zone, we are entering into the world of the unknown.  And when we’re faced with the unknown, our brain can go into overdrive, as it tries to keep us safe.

This is a good thing, because it can stop us from taking unnecessary risk or putting ourselves in harms way.

But some element of fear can also be beneficial, because this is where we learn the most.  And overcoming that fear can be lead to a new level of confidence.  Adrenaline sports and activities for example give us a big old dose of dopamine, and give us a natural high.  And if you’ve ever challenged yourself to do something really scary, the confidence buzz you felt afterwards was possibly worth all the worry beforehand?  Maybe.

But there can also be some other side effects of change that we may not have considered.  For example, sometimes making a positive change for ourselves, can affect how others see us.  And we might (consciously or otherwise) not want to put ourselves in a position where we stand out.

Rather than worry about what people might think if we fail, we also worry about what they’ll say if we succeed.

We might feel that if we succeed at something, other people might not accept us, or we might not fit in anymore.

Again, this links into the fear element.   But a fear of success is probably less talked about.  It could be something to consider, if you’re feeling some resistance to change, but can’t work out why.

Either way, accepting that feeling uncomfortable is a part of the change process can help us to anticipate it more, or put in some safety factors.  If we anticipate what might happen, we can plan for it.

We can’t foresee everything that could possibly go wrong of course, none of us are fortune tellers.  But we can be more welcoming to change with a little practice.

Photo credit: Dev Asangbam on Unsplash

When Does A Challenge Become A Problem?

A small child stands at the bottom of a staircase

We all know that in order to grow, we need to do things we haven’t done before, or that we’re not entirely comfortable with.  But when does a challenge become a problem? And what’s the difference between the two?

Often when we’re faced with a challenge, we see it as a barrier or a problem which is going to stop us moving forwards.  If we’re setting out to achieve a goal, then we’ve usually planned our route and have an idea of where we want to be to, and how we’re going to get there.

But things are rarely that straightforward.  Life happens, and other things get in the way. We might need to make a detour, or rethink our plans.

This much is fairly inevitable.  Think about some of the biggest achievements that you’ve experienced.  Would to say it was an easy and effortless journey?  Or did you need to make some adjustments?

And when you think about that achievement, would it have still felt as special if you hadn’t been tested, or overcome things that you encountered on the way?  I’m guessing not.

And if you have had an experience like this, then it may well have changed your opinion about how you feel about challenges.  Because the more challenges we experience and overcome, the more confident we feel about starting new things.

And we are far more likely to appreciate those things we had to work for, than those which didn’t take as much effort.

But what about problems?  A problem is also something that can cause a barrier or blockage in our progress.  But the real difference between a challenge and a problem is our mindset towards it.

Often when we’re faced with something we perceive to be a problem, we become far more despondent about it.  A problem can involve situations or issues which are outside of our control, as opposed to a challenge which might be calling on us to stretch our own abilities.

Or perhaps we have become so rigid in our thinking that we struggle to see a way around the problem, because we’re lacking in the creativity we need to change course.

When we are active participants in our self development, then challenges are vital in providing us with opportunities to develop new skills and build our inner strength.  It also helps us to be a more open thinker, and helps us to consider the various routes to meeting an outcome, rather than focusing on one sole possibility.

If you find that you get easily put off when things don’t go to plan, or you find it difficult to see how you can overcome issues, then taking some steps introduce challenges into your life can help you to work on growing your confidence.

The more we seek to actively welcome challenges, the more used to them we become.  And we become more aware of our limitations and our potential.

Be willing to take that first step and embrace challenge, and you’ll gain far more than you could by staying where you are.

Photo credit: Jukan Tateisi on Unsplash

Why not have a go this month?

Motorcycles with learner plates

Did you know that September is the Festival of Learning’s ‘Have A Go’ month?  In celebration of lifelong learning and self development, it’s encouraging people to try new things.

I have long been an advocate for lifelong learning and I believe that our education shouldn’t stop when we leave school.

And whether you consider learning to be education in the formal sense, such as gaining qualifications etc., or whether you are interested in learning more about yourself and how you can get the best out of life, education and evolving is key.

Just as the world around us evolves, so do we. So should we.  We’re not the same people we were when we were younger.   Situations and experiences shape us.  Sometimes for the better, sometimes not.

We are constantly evolving.

The positive side of that is that we have the opportunity to choose what we become.  Our resources may be limited at times and we may need support to do it, but ultimately, we have the power to change our experience.

And without learning, we stagnate.  Physically and mentally.  We lose motivation and desire quickly if we’re not stimulated and engaged with the world or the people around us.  And it can be difficult to get it back.

Trying new things brings novelty, and our brains love novelty.

Research has shown that we are much more likely to stick at a new habit or skill if it involves something new.

During lockdown, many people have struggled with motivation, and after months of being stuck at home without routine or structure, it can be hard to get yourself back out there again.  So trying something new could be one way to take small steps.

Whether it’s a new activity we’ve never tried before, or perhaps doing something familiar in a different way, we can build our interest back up.

Is there something you’ve always wanted to have a go at?  Perhaps a new skill or ambition, or just greater awareness of self?  Something to improve your health or wellbeing, or open doors to new opportunities?

Sign up for a class, join a group, try a taster event…you never know where it might lead!

Photo by The Ride Academy on Unsplash

Energy zappers – and how to deal with them

Image of an overwhelmed person

Energy zappers.  We’ve all experienced them, but how can we deal with them?

Energy is expressed and felt through our emotions and our choices, and it is affected by how we fuel ourselves – physically and mentally.  And so, the way in which we fuel ourselves will affect the energy that we feel.

Fuel goes in, energy comes out.

If we don’t have enough fuel, or when don’t have the right kind of fuel – e.g., its toxic, unfulfilling, harmful even, then obviously our energy is going to be negatively affected by that.

There are a number of things which can influence our energy, and generally these can be broken down into internal and external factors.

We are probably all well aware of the effect that too much low-nutrient foods or alcohol or late nights have on us. We feel sluggish and dull afterwards.

But there are also some less obvious influences that we might not be giving a lot of thought to.

Outside influences

One of the most important influences on our energy is the environment we spend our time in. 

This includes how we live, who we live with, where we spend most of our time and who we spend the most time with.  And if this is an environment that isn’t supporting our wellbeing and growth, then our energy will suffer.

And we might not feel as though we have a great deal of choice – especially if we’re in a job or a family situation which is causing an imbalance.  We may well know that we’re in an unhappy or unfulfilling situation that we know isn’t helping us, but it’s not always as easy to get out of them.

But we can try and be more conscious of the effect the situation is having, and try and minimise how much we are affected by it.  You might want to ask yourself:  Are there situations in my life now where I feel ‘less than’, not good enough, or on edge?  Do you notice that you’re changing how you present yourself so that you fit in?  Do you feel that you can’t be yourself around certain people?

Noticing how our energy shifts, for better or worse, when we’re in situations and around particular people can be really telling.

Of course, every relationship that we have with another person will involve give and take.  There will be times when another person needs our support and their needs will take priority, and vice versa.   The whole point of inviting people into your life is to share experiences and support each other.

But when a relationship or friendship feels as though it’s only ever one-way traffic, or the conversation is often negative, then we need to ask ourselves whether this is the right fit for us.  If the other person is blinkered to what is going on with you, how you are feeling, what you’re excited/worried/nervous about, and the focus is only ever about them, then that’s a good indicator of where the energy isn’t balanced.

I’m sure we can all recognise times when we’ve felt like that, whether we’re experiencing it now or not, but when this type of situation goes on for some time, it is so draining.

And it will have a big impact on our confidence, our motivation and it will become really challenging to change, the longer it goes on.

But there are also things that we can do ourselves to make sure that we fuel our body and mind with enough of the good stuff, to counteract what comes at us from outside.

Healthy inside

We all know what energy feels like within our own bodies.  We know when we feel happy, excited, raring to go.  And we also know when we feel depleted, tired and lethargic.

Our bodies are finely tuned machines – and they have an in-built alarm system to tell us when something is out of whack.   Listen to your body and what it is telling you…if it needs rest, better nutrition, hydration, it will let you know.   And it will keep letting you know until you listen to it, usually!

It is really difficult to give our best efforts with something, or even just go about our daily tasks if we have consistently low energy.

But it’s not just about our physical wellbeing. We also need to be aware of our mental fuel.

One of the biggest energy drains on our mental health these days is social media.  Love it or hate it, the messages and energy we consume by watching other people living their lives is immense.

And it can affect even the most grounded of people.

We all have insecurities and self-doubt, but these can become magnified when we flood our brain with images of other people. We imagine other lives we could be living, or worry about things we ‘should’ be doing.  The comparison trap is one of the most harmful things to fall into – we compare how we look or what our life looks like, with images that are carefully curated and filtered and well, fake. We trick ourselves into believing they are real, and it’s so easy to start comparing ourselves against impossible perceived benchmarks.

If social media and FOMO is something that triggers you, then try and limit the amount of time you expose yourself to.  Have allocated time for a digital detox – set an alarm or limit on your app. Or switch your phone off completely, and put it in a drawer for a while.  (If this idea brings you out in a cold sweat, then it’s a good indication you might just benefit from it!).

And there are a range of other negative emotions that, if left unchecked, will drain our energy. There are the obvious ones such as anger, resentment, or regret, that may have stemmed from a specific experience, but there are also the more subconscious ones like fear, uncertainty, or jealousy.

Listen to what your emotions are telling you.  Where are they holding you back?  What are you missing out on or avoiding?  We may feel triggered in certain situations, or by people, without knowing why.

In summary, our energy isn’t just something that we need to function and progress, we can also influence how much of it we have.  By identifying such energy zappers and being aware of what we are consuming, physically and mentally, and when we are feeling triggered, we can start to bring more balance.

And in next week’s post, I’ll be switching the focus to looking at how we can bring better energy to our interactions, so stay tuned for more.

Photo credit: Luis Villasmil on Unsplash.com

How To Stay Focused

Arrow hitting a target

Rounding up this month’s theme by sharing a few ideas of how to stay focused.

Over the last month, I’ve also talked about things that can get in the way and what happens when we’re not focused, so check out the previous posts if you need some further tips too.

Remember Your Why

Having the end goal or outcome in mind is vital – if you don’t know what you’re aiming for, then you won’t achieve it. Seems obvious, but it’s easy to get distracted by shiny things on the way, so keep coming back to your ‘why’.

But Be Flexible

If your ‘why’ has changed or the goalposts have moved, be flexible enough to alter your course. Sticking to a plan that is no longer working or relevant will hold you back. If you need to change,  it will give you better momentum in the longer term.

Eliminate Distractions

Being aware of where your time and energy goes can help to get rid of things that will distract you. Whether it’s your own actions, such as scrolling social media or making unhealthy choices. Or external energy zappers, such as people who need your attention, but aren’t supportive in return.  Be aware of where you might need to set some boundaries around your time.  Be firm but fair to make sure that your needs are being met too.

Find Your Tribe

Connect with others who have similar goals. It’s difficult to keep motivated when no one else around you ‘gets it’.  If you can find people who have been where you are, or are on the same journey, it’s so helpful.

Stay In Balance

Keep a healthy balance of all the other things going on in your life too. When you take time away from goal-getting, you allow space for your brain to assimilate the learning you’ve been doing, and it creates space for creativity. The best ideas usually come when you’re at rest…for lots of people it’s in the shower or washing the dishes.

Accountability

Regular check ins are key. As with ‘remember your why’, being able to recognise if something’s not working, or other areas of your life are being neglected, can help you to make changes quicker.

Just some food for thought if you’re looking to stay focused.

Photo by Ricardo Arce on Unsplash

In Search Of Purpose

 

Purpose written on a wooden sign

The search for purpose is something that has been around for a very long time, and it exists in all cultures.

The Japanese have a practice known as ‘ikigai’, which roughly translates as ‘waking up to joy’.

The French call it ‘raison d’etre’, or reason for being.

The Ancient Greeks called it eudaimonia – the condition of “human flourishing”, or a life well lived.

These ideas suggest that to live a full and happy life, we must intentionally look for practices that create purpose.

Purpose, and the attainment of it, remains a central theme of positive psychology, because of how important it is in our overall wellbeing.  So, it’s not surprising that we hear a lot about it.

Having awareness of things which bring us enjoyment or a sense of mastery, and taking action to overcome things which stand in the way of our happiness, is central to most cognitive interventions.

Often, when we think about purpose, we think of it in terms of the work we do. We assume that if we find the right career, we’ll discover our passion.

But work can be where we feel a lack of passion, or joy, most strongly.  Especially if we worked hard to get there, only to find that the job isn’t all we’d hoped.  Or perhaps we have neglected other areas in achieving our successes.

If we put all our effort into cultivating our careers, we may find that other important areas of our life start to miss out.  Our relationships suffer, or we lose interest in hobbies or favourite activities.

And then we wonder why we feel so disconnected.

In order to find our true purpose, we have to look at our lives as a whole-rounded, interweaving, intermeshing thing.

How to find purpose

The most common diagram used to explain this, is used in the cultivation of ikigai.

Diagram to illustrate ikigai

 

 

 

 

 

(source:  Positive Psychology.com)

This process looks at different aspects of our lives and asks us to consider where these overlap.  It identifies things that we both enjoy doing, and which we are good at or have a certain level of skill or mastery over.

Some practices also ask what is useful to the wider community and what could we be paid for, by way of helping us to find a particular career path.

Often we put a lot of focus on only one area, e.g. in terms of work, we look at ‘what am I good at’, or ‘what do I enjoy’.  We don’t often put a lot of thought into examining how these things correlate.

If we feel unsatisfied, it’s usually because we are in a cycle of doing something purely because we’re good at it.  But we may not necessarily enjoy it as much any more.  Or we really enjoy something, but we aren’t able to progress any further than our current skill level allows.

If you’re struggling with your search for purpose, using a framework like this can be really helpful.  Especially if you have become used to doing things out of habit, as it may identify areas where you need a new challenge.

Or it could show you where you have an imbalance.  For example, if you’re putting a lot of work and energy into one area, which other bits are missing out?  And what effect is this having?

Our lives are not meant to be static and it’s easy to become over-comfortable, and we risk drifting.  As the world around us changes, we need to adapt too, otherwise it jars and we resist change.  And this can lead to feeling fearful, or frustrated and irritable, as we don’t see where we fit in any more.

To find out more about living with purpose, I’ve created a free mini guide with this months newsletter.  Sign up here to receive your free copy.